Somewhere Between Success and Doom

I’m at Starbucks because my local library was closed and I cannot go to bed tonight without knowing that I had some undisturbed studying time. Unfortunately, being undisturbed is not a thing in my household. I always leave something out that my mother wants either cleaned or put away, and my brother doesn’t understand the concept of having an indoor voice. Anyways, I had to take a break from my review packets because after all I am still human and I do get bored. Besides, I have time to give Alexander Hamilton tomorrow, why not get my creative juices flowing.

I am very upset that I couldn’t make the Bridgerton live stream on Wednesday because I had an essay to type, which was a complete disaster. To think I could’ve been watching Colin Bridgerton at that exact moment instead pains me. But it’s the end of the quarter and every grade counts, sadly. I so badly want to let loose right now and just go somewhere neither PowerSchool nor Google Classroom can reach me. I have been so stressed that I had to turn off my notifications for PowerSchool. It’s simple, I do not want to see my grades without warning.

I did do a little bit of escaping yesterday though. I slapped on my pink Dr. Jart face mask and watched He’s Just Not That Into You, one of my comfort movies. I like knowing the end of things, it gives me comfort. For instance, I would feel most secure at this moment if I knew exactly where I was going to college. I just want to know that it will all be ok, you know. I feel okay seeing Gigi go on all those terrible dates because I know that in the end she finds her Prince Charming. But in my case my prince charming would be a college of my choice. Hopefully after midterms it’s still a choice.

But what if there isn’t a neat ending? Maybe it’s because Adele is blasting in my ears, or the fact that I feel like my whole future depends on my academic performance next week, but seriously, what if everything isn’t so black and white? I should start thinking about the grey areas more and maybe I won’t find disappointment so often. I think I’ve always seen things as either success or doom, and no in between. I think it might be because I never let myself just be ok. I either need find something to stress about, or find something to fill myself up with joy (usually includes spending money). I don’t feel like myself without being filled with emotion, good or bad doesn’t matter, either way I always want my heart to race.

I blame the movies and shows I watch, but then again if a show/movie focused on someone who was just okay and emotionally stable, would anyone even watch? At the end of the day, I give my deceased grandparents something entertaining to watch, so I’m doing someone a service. But seriously, these characters I’ve idolized, like Rachel Greene or Charlotte York, always had something going on with them, they never rested, it was like hiccup after hiccup and then big lifetime achievement. So am I so wrong for seeing, or making my life the same .

I do, however, think that me turning off my PowerSchool notifications is a step in the right direction. So it’s official, I am one step closer to a peaceful life. So now I just have about a billion to go :)